Be gone old marks of stretch. Return to thee thy skin of a fair maiden princess. Royal Hiney’s God Save the Queen anti-stretch mark cream has been clinically tested and proven to reduce the appearance of stretch marks by 72%. Apply liberally to thy Majesty’s ever-expanding belly – or anywhere else you feel particularly plump. [...]

So you think you can become an heir with a stinky derriére? Give thyself instant panache by bathing in Baby Posh Wash. Gentle, sulfate free, and 100% hypoallergenic Baby Posh Wash will have your highness sparkling clean and ruling your kingdom in no time. 10 oz. Ingredients Price: $14.50 Add to cart

Thou shall not take the throne with skin like a fl aky scone. Drench thee in Royal Hiney’s Baby Body Butter. Ultra mild and gentle, this lotion will leave your little sprog’s skin blissfully soft. 10 oz. Ingredients Price: $15.50 Add to cart

Is your little one’s bum in need of repair? Spackle that crack quickly and effi ciently with Royal Crackle Spackle. The only putty that stays where you put it. This ultra thick Zinc based Nappy Rash Cream is the answer to your little bugger’s broke down bum. 4 oz. Ingredients Price: $15.50 Add to cart

Maybe all the king’s horses and all the king’s men could have put Humpty Dumpty together again had they used Ouchie Grouchie Ointment. Actually, there is no way that would helped, as this gentle ointment is meant for babies with boo-boos and scratches, not funnylooking eggs with vertigo. May also be used on the bum [...]